I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT: Impact of Being Raised by a Narcissist

Have you ever been asked “What do you want for the holidays?” of “Where would do you want to go to dinner?” Do you feel uncomfortable, unsure, overwhelmed or even scared? If you do, you are not alone. These sorts of questions for many folks produces a stress response. Why is it stressful for some people to express a want and for others it’s an opportunity to share their desires with excitement? 

AM I WORTHY? 

Developing a sense of what we want for ourselves grows out of the experience of, feeling wanted and valued. If you were raised in an environment or by caregivers that consistently gave you the message that you were wanted and valued, your sense of self identify formed around that.  This results in an ability to feel at safe to develop wants for yourself. If you were raised in an environment where you did not receive that consistent message, you then internalize a questioning of your worth which creates a challenge to then feel worthy of receiving and/or even allowing self to even have a desire for oneself. 

NARCISSITIC PARENTING

This is what occurs when a child is raised by a narcissistic parent. For this child it is incredibly difficult to develop a strong, authentic sense of self. Narcissistic parents often only respond positively to their child(ren) when their behavior is pleasing to them. Children learn to disconnect from their own interests, needs, wants, and emotions and instead adjust themselves to fit the desires of the parent. This creates a deep internal conflict, resulting in an inability to know or trust who oneself truly is. Who one becomes then is someone depending on pleasing others or receiving external validation in order to feel of value. 

WHO AM I?

Narcissistic parents often fail to attend to the emotional and at times physical needs of their children. The child develops a belief that their own needs are not important, or that expressing them will lead to rejection or punishment. When a child’s needs are continually ignored or invalidated, they may lose sight of their own desires, passions, and interests. The child’s sense of identity becomes overshadowed by the need to survive or cope with the narcissistic parent’s demands, rather than cultivating a true sense of self.

GETTING TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

Healing from a narcissistic parent can be a challenging and transformative journey. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to reclaiming your sense of self. 

A narcissistic parent can make you feel like an extension of them, with your identity being shaped by their desires, needs, or approval. To heal, you need to rediscover and embrace your authentic self.

• Spend time engaging in activities that are meaningful to you—things that make you feel fulfilled and happy, regardless of external approval.
• Explore your personal values, passions, and interests outside the influence of your parent.
• Reflect on who you are, without considering how you were expected to behave or what you were conditioned to want.
• Try new things that excite or challenge you, and trust your own instincts, even if it feels unfamiliar or difficult at first.
• Challenge negative beliefs and thought patterns
• Practice Self-Compassion and Self-Care

Healing from a narcissistic parent is a profound journey that often involves unraveling deeply ingrained emotional patterns. We at SteadyNYC can help you identify the damage, set healthy boundaries, support self-compassion and work with you to reclaim your sense of self and move forward with a healthier, more empowered mindset. Contact Us